Host: Our guests tonight are David St. Hubbins and Derek Smalls from the semi-seminal band Spinal Tap. Welcome!
Smalls: Good evening!
St. Hubbins: This is David St. Hubbins. I play guitar for a rock band and do a bit of singing.
Smalls: More than a bit of singing.
Host: Where's Nigel?
Smalls: Nigel insisted on having a pad and paper and getting questions relayed by pony express. Replies will be forwarded within the year via snail mail.
Host: RaiderAce asks: When can we look for a new album, and do you have a new drummer?
St. Hubbins: We are experimenting with ethnic drummers loaned to us by Mickey Hart.
Host: Ut oh.
Smalls: The darker, the cheaper, the better. Our approach for a new album is to gain rights to a lost album and re-release it at a slightly higher price with one new track on it to justify the ridiculous expense. Watch for Break Like the Wind Mark II.
Host: XA Faust asks: What about the rumored 1996 tour? Is it for real?
St. Hubbins: All tours are for real, whether they actually occur or not, but we are all busy on solo projects. I am working on a project I'm very excited about. It's an Icelandic album of Broadway tunes called "Bjork, Bjork."
Smalls: She was so nice, they named her twice.
Host: Bace14 asks: Where did you come from last and going to next?
Smalls: Good question! I came from an online chat with IBM sales reps at which I defended our commercial against bad reviews.
St. Hubbins: I came from the womb and I'm going to the tomb. A tip of the hat to Samuel Beckett for that one.
Host: Have the critics been unkind to your IBM commercial?
Smalls: We've never been a critic's band, especially now that we're making money. They're jealous, they're evil, most of them are dwarves.
St. Hubbins: Evil-smelling dwarves.
Host: Hollywood Online is live with Spinal Tap! DanAmrich asks: Time marches on, and the combined age of you three tops 100. Do you fear you're approaching a point when you'll be too old to rock and roll?
St. Hubbins: I was too old to rock and roll at 19. Fortunately, I've gotten younger since then.
Smalls: Rock and roll is not a matter of age, it's a matter of volume. We're definitely old enough to play loud — the older, the louder... Turn it up!
Host: RCords asks: Besides being smaller, what is the difference between your audience today versus five years ago?
Smalls: Age!
St. Hubbins: They're five years older! Do the math!
Smalls: And they're five years smaller.
St. Hubbins: Today's audiences are much more sophisticated, and I personally feel the pressure...
Smalls: Whenever you put on your shorts!
Host: I wonder what happened to Nigel.
St. Hubbins: Nigel is a bit of a Luddite; he doesn't trust computers, he feels they have demons in them, instead of just gremlins.
Smalls: Except for IBM computers, which he thinks are full of angels sending him messages of eternal love.
St. Hubbins: Except when they crash.
Smalls: Which they never do.
Host: Mangrum88 asks: David, we were told earlier that you would be on in mere minutes. If you are on now, how many minutes would that be?
St. Hubbins: Well, the exact numerical value of "mere" is certainly vague, so square that and divide by six.
Host: PSchankin asks: Are you losing any more drummers due to spontaneous combustion?
St. Hubbins: Strangely enough, Viv Savage visited the grave of Mick Shrimpton and there was an explosion at the gravesite, and it took both lives, living and dead, so the curse continues.
Host: Sensishoe asks: Ebola is on everyone's minds. Do you think you'll be able to work it into your next album?
Smalls: It's the most musical name for a virus...
St. Hubbins: ...since Anthrax.
Smalls: Which is a bacteria.
Smalls: I've been thinking of a love song for Ebola.
St. Hubbins: Concerto in Ebola.
Host: Ouch. Kubricker asks: What was your inspiration for Big Bottom?
St. Hubbins: I was dating a beautiful woman who went by the professional name of Lhasa Apso. Extraordinarily beautiful.
Smalls: With one great exception.
St. Hubbins: But that exception was the inspiration. End of story.
Host: Timbu2 asks: What are Tap's commandments of rock and roll?
St. Hubbins: Number One: Rock and roll keeps you young, but you die young.
Smalls: Number Two: Don't covet thy neighbor's guitar.
St. Hubbins: Number Three: If it's too loud, you're too close.
Smalls: Number Four: If you can read this, you're too close.
St. Hubbins: Number Five: There are no more commandments.
Smalls: Number Six: Memorize previous commandments.
Host: EaremeraI asks: Tonight was John Tesh's last night — he loved you guys! Any parting thoughts?
Smalls: He played too fast, he played too soft.
St. Hubbins: I believe John is going on to the Star Wars musical in Vegas, as Chewbacca the Wookie.
Host: JHarris asks: Do your amps still go to 11 or have you found a higher one?
St. Hubbins: Nigel is experimenting with an amp that goes to infinity.
Smalls: Unfortunately, he doesn't come back from there!
Host: Edknowsal asks: What's with the IBM sellout?
St. Hubbins: A very wise man once said, "The time to sell out is when you've found a buyer."
Smalls: For those who think we've sold out, keep in mind that IBM had to change a great deal of their software code to meet our specifications.
St. Hubbins: So who's bending over here?
Smalls: Who's spreading whose cheeks for whom? What, and why?
St. Hubbins: Very vivid, Derek. Stay on your side of the room.
Host: Jaime asks: Have you two finished your musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper?
St. Hubbins: Saucy Jack has been workshopped within an inch of its life.
Smalls: Its destiny is to be a work in progress. If it's ever finished, it will die.
St. Hubbins: Actually, we performed some tunes at a surprise party for Stephen Sondheim.
Smalls: He left before making any comment, although he was heard to mutter "taxi" enigmatically.
Host: NJKissFan wants to know: Who would win in a fight: Nigel or Ace Frehley?
St. Hubbins: With or without makeup?
Smalls: In mud, Nigel wins. In hot oil, all bets are off.
Host: Nc2000ny asks: Why didn't Cher tour with you?
St. Hubbins: We begged, we pleaded, and finally she agreed not to. She was busy with the infomercial career.
Smalls: She has a very rigid schedule of rib removal.
Host: I'm not gonna go there. Dreaming asks: Is any of your free-form available to the public?
Smalls: Yes, Jazz Odyssey, like all sound waves, circulates endlessly in the ether. Your problem is finding the proper reception apparatus.
St. Hubbins: In other words, he can't sell the thing.
Host: Andrewtha asks: Have you kept in touch with the Stonehenge dwarves?
St. Hubbins: Well, they are a bit hard to locate, especially in the dark.
Smalls: One of them resents us bitterly for exploiting him. The other calls us daily to say "When can you exploit me some more?"
Host: DTM925 desires to know: Have you ever thought about doing a rock opera?
St. Hubbins: Saucy Jack, while technically a musical theatre piece...
Smalls: ...is more of a rock operetta. My dream is to marry cutting-edge rock with dramatic spectacle on ice featuring people in big-head costumes.
Host: I understand you guys want to get help from the audience with your new concept album.
St. Hubbins: We've been a bit weak in the "concept" concept. If there's anything you'd like to see or hear 12 songs written about, we're all ears.
Host: JngleCruz! Welcome! What's your concept?
JngleCruz: I was thinking that it would be cool to do an album about the life cycle of the naked mole rat.
Smalls: Its life cycle is too brief, really, to justify an album..
St. Hubbins: It's a short life, but a naked one. I could see a single about the mayfly.
Smalls: Or an EP about the island weasel.
Host: Thanks, Spinal Tap! You're beautiful.