This is Spinal Tap Script v. 4.1 (Nit-picker's edition :) April 1996 Steve Paget (paj@steviep.demon.co.uk) has done a great job brushing up version 4 of the script, which was originally completed by Svein I. It has been corrected and proof-read (twice!) by Michael Wheeler (mweheeler@gladstone.uoregon.edu) and Scott Hagberg (hagbergs@mari.acc.stolaf.edu), with additional help from the guys at alt.fan.Spinal-Tap. In v 4.1 I've corrected some names and added a few lines. If you have any comments, corrections, Tap anecdotes or Close Encounters of the Tap Kind to share, do not hesitate to drop me a line... Svein I. Halvorsen (sveini@himolde.no) Keeper of the script to This is Spinal Tap Please keep this header if you are re-distributing the script. ------------------------------------------------------------------ This is S P I N A L T A P A Rockumentary by Martin DiBergi Marty: Hello. My name is Marty DiBergi. I'm a film maker. I make a lot of commercials. That little dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine. In 1966, I went down to Greenwich Village, New York City to a rock club called the Electric Banana. Don't look for it, it's not there anymore. But that night I heard a band that for me redefined the word "rock and roll". I remember being knocked out by their, their exuberance, their raw power -- and their punctuality. That band was Britain's now-legendary Spinal Tap. Seventeen years and fifteen albums later, Spinal Tap is still going strong, and they've earned a distinguished place in rock history as one of England's loudest bands. So in the late fall of 1982 when I heard that Tap was releasing a new album called 'Smell the Glove,' and was planning their first tour of the United States in almost 6 years to promote that album, well needless to say I jumped at the chance to make the documentary, the, if you will, rockumentary that you're about to see. I wanted to capture the, the sights, the sounds, the smells, of a hard-working rock band on the road. And I got that. But I got more, a lot more. But hey -- enough of my yakkin'. Whaddaya say, let's boogie! Fan 1: Gives me a lot of energy, makes me happy. Fan 2: Heavy metal's deep, you can get stuff out of it. Fan 3: The way they dress, the leather. David: Which one is this? Is this LaGuardia or is this-- ? Ian: No, this is JFK. David: Oh yes. Ian: New York, New York. Roadie: Watch it now, watch it now. Ethereal fan: It's like you become one with the guys in the band. I mean there's...there's no division, you just...the music just unites people...with the players. New York M C: You want it right, direct from hell, Spinal Tap! --- Spinal Tap performs Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight --- David: We are Spinal Tap from the UK you must be the USA! Marty: Let's...uh talk a little bit about the history of the group. I understand Nigel you and David originally started the band wuh...back in...when was it... 1964? David: Well before that we were in different groups, I was in a group called The Creatures and w-which was a skiffle group. Nigel: I was in Lovely Lads. David: Yeah. Nigel: And then we looked at each other and says well we might as well join up you know and uh.... David: So we became The Originals. Nigel: Right. David: And we had to change our name actually.... Nigel: Well there was, there was another group in the East End called The Originals and we had to rename ourselves. David: The New Originals. Nigel: The New Originals and then, uh, they became.... David: The Regulars, they changed their name back to The Regulars and we thought well, we could go back to The Originals but what's the point? Nigel: We became The Thamesmen at that point. --- The Thamesmen play Gimme Some Money --- --- British TV: Pop, Look & Listen 1965 --- Marty: Your first drummer was uh.... Nigel: The peeper.... David: Joe stumpy Pepys...great great...uh...tall blond geek.. with glasses uh... Nigel: Uh.. good drummer. David: Great look, good drummer. Nigel: Good, good drummer.... David: Fine drummer.... Marty: What happened to him? David: He died, he, he died in a bizarre gardening accident some years back. Nigel: It was really one of those things...it was...you know...the authorities said...you know...well best leave it unsolved, really...you know. Marty: And he was replaced by...uh.... David: Stumpy Joe - Eric Stumpy Joe Childs. Marty: What happened to Stumpy Joe? Derek: Well, uh, it's not a very pleasant story..but, uh, David: He's passed on. Derek: he died. uh...he choked on..the ac- the official explanation was he choked on vomit. Nigel: It was actually, was actually someone else's vomit. It's not.... David: It's ugly. Nigel: You know. There's no real.... Derek: You know they can't prove whose vomit it was...they don't have the facilities at Scotland Yard.... David: You can't print, there's no way to print a spectra-photograph Nigel: You can't really dust for vomit. Ian: Here we go...Soho they call this place.... Bobbi: Oh, it's the band! David: 'So' what? Ian: Soho. Bobbi: How are you? Ian! Hi fellas, how you doing... Come over here. I want you to meet everybody. Derek: Who is that? Bobbi: Viv, come over here...everybody. Ian: Bobbi Flekman. Derek: Who is it ....with the record company? Bobbi: Yes, Bobbi Flekman - the hostess with the mostest. You know, you know. Hi, handsome. How you doing? Alright, listen I want you all to meet Sir Denis Eton-Hogg, now he's the head of Polymer. Band: We know, we know. Bobbi: (To Nigel) You don't talk so much - just smile and look smart. David: Oh, she knows... Bobbi: Denis, come here...come here I want you to meet Spinal Tap, our guests of honor. Sir Denis:How very nice to meet you! Bobbi: Kids; this is Sir Denis Eton-Hogg...this is Nigel. David: Hello, David St.... Sir Denis:Oh, so this is Nigel! Nigel: Thanks a lot for letting us uh.... Bobbi: Let's go over here and we'll all take a picture together. Where's Christine? Where's my photographer? Come over here honey. What's your name? Christine? Ok, right over here... good, good! Reporter: You guys look great. I mean you look fantastic. You would never know that you are almost 40. I mean if I looked this good and from the stage too it's amazing you know.... Morty the Mime: I did the bird, do the dead bird...change this, get the dwarf canoles the little ones.... Mime: I did the bird.... Morty the Mime: C'mon, don't talk back huh...mime is money, let's go come on; move it! Sir Denis:Now, we here at Polymer we're all looking forward to a long and...and...and fruitful relationship with Spinal Tap. We wish them great success on their North American tour and so say all of us...Tap into America! Bobbi: Yeah! Driver: Excuse me...are you reading "Yes I Can"? Groupie: Yeah, have you read it? Driver: Yeah, by Sammy Davis Jr.? Groupie: Yeah. Driver : You know what the title of that book should be? "Yes I Can if Frank Sinatra Says it's Okay". Cause Frank calls the shots for all of those guys. Did you get to the part yet where uh...Sammy is coming out of the Copa...it's about 3 o'clock in the morning and uh...he sees Frank? Frank's walking down Broadway by himself.... (Limo window raised by Nigel) Driver: Fuckin' limeys. Marty: Well you know, ah...they're not uh,...used to that world. Driver: Yeah yeah. Marty: You know Frank Sinatra it's a different world that they're in. Driver: You know, it's just that people like this...you know... they get all they want so they don't really understand, you know...about a life like Frank's, I mean, you know when you've loved and lost the way Frank has, then you uh ...you know what life's about. Ian: The Times may even do something. David: The New York Times? Ian: Yeah, the New York Times. David: The bump we've got to iron out here is when do we get the album released. I mean it doesn't matter how good the press is or what the stringers.... Ian: As I explained last night you know we're not gonna saturate the New York market....now Philly now that's a real rock and roll town. David: Oh, Philly's a great town. Ian: Be assured that the album will be available all throughout the Philadelphia metropolitan area. David: So you are hitting that market regardless of how we're selling in New York? Ian: We are doing, we certainly are doing, well, I'm doing everything I can. David: That's right. We are not blaming you, you know that we're not blaming you. Marty: But you don't feel these guys have an effect on an audience, I mean, kids go to their concert they have a great time, uhh.... Driver: But it's...it's a passing thing...it's uh.... I mean I would never tell them this but this is uh...this is a fad. --- Spinal Tap plays Big Bottom--- --- at Fidelity Hall, Philadelphia --- Marty: Let's talk about your reviews a little bit...regarding 'Intravenus de Milo': "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry." Nigel: That's, that's nit picking, isn't it? Marty: 'The Gospel According to Spinal Tap': "This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question: "What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap and couldn't he have rested on that day too?" David: Never heard that one! Derek: That's a good one, that's a good one! Marty: The review you had on 'Shark Sandwich'...which was merely a two word review - just said "shit sandwich." Umm.... Derek: Where'd they print that, where'd they print that? David: Where did that appear? Nigel: That's not real, is it? Derek: You can't print that! Derek: All those arguments about touring or not touring and all that it's obvious we belong on tour, you know.... Ian: I couldn't agree more. All that stuff about you being too old and you being too white but.... Derek: But what about the album, Ian? David: Well that's the real problem there's no way to promote something that doesn't exist, you know.... Ian: It's a very unimportant reason, it's just that they're experimenting with, with some new uh...packaging materials. Let me get the door. Derek: What kind of experimenting? What they got monkeys opening it or what? Ian: Oh there's uhh...the other thing is that the uh...the Boston gig has been cancelled. Nigel: What? Ian: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town. Promoter: I heard you boys got an album coming out. David: Yeah, it's called Smell the Glove... it should be out now, yeah...yeah, yeah.... Promoter: Smell the Glove? Extra: It's a provocative title. David: Wait till you see the cover, wait till you see the cover, very provcative indeed. Ian: Bobbi, Bobbi, can I tear you away from all of this? Bobbi: Do you have a drink? Everything ok? Ian: No, I don't, I don't really need one. But, listen, um... I really, I really do have to talk to you a bit about this, uh.... Bobbi: Ian, come on, tell me whatever is on your mind.... Ian: ...this whole issue of the, uh...the issue of the cover. Bobbi: Yeah. Ian: ...uh, we feel, I mean, we feel and it seems to be facts that, uh...the company is rather down on the cover. Is that the case? Bobbi: Yes. Ian: You can give it to me straight, you know. Bobbi: Listen umm... they don't like the cover, they don't like the cover. Ian: Uh huh, well that is certainly straight. Bobbi: They find it very offensive and very sexist. Ian: Well what exactly...do you find offensive, I mean, what's offensive? Bobbi: Ian, you put a greased naked woman... Ian: Yes... Bobbi: ...on all fours... Ian: Yes. Bobbi: ...with a dog collar around her neck... Ian: ...with a dog collar... Bobbi: ...and a leash... Ian: ...and a leash... Bobbi: ...and a man's arm extended out up to here holding on to the leash and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive, you don't find that sexist? Ian: No I don't, this is 1982, Bobbi, come on. Bobbi: That's right it's 1982 get out of the 60's we don't have this mentality any more. Ian: Well you should have seen the cover they wanted to do. It wasn't a glove believe me. Bobbi: I don't care what they wanted to do, now see this is something Ian that you are going to have to talk to your boys about. Ian: We're certainly not laying down any conditions... Bobbi: And I don't think that a sexy cover is the answer for why an album sells or doesn't sell becuase you tell me...the "White Album", what was that? There was nothing on that goddamn cover. Excuse me, the phone's ringing. Ian we'll talk about this after. Ian: Okay, bye bye. Bobbi: Hello. Oh, hi Denis. Uh oh, okay. Why don't you tell him? Okay, hold on one minute. Ian? It's Eton-Hogg, he wants to talk to you. Ian: Okay. Thank you darling. Bobbi: You're welcome.....yeah. Ian: Hello Sir Denis. Hi, how are you? (off phone) Oh, fucking old poofter! (in phone) But it's really not that offensive Sir Denis come on. Okay. I'll call you absolutely first thing in the morning. (slam phone)Ah, shit. They are not gonna release the album...because they have decided that the cover is sexist. Nigel: Well so what? What's wrong with being sexy? I mean there's no.... Ian: Sex-ist. David: -ist. More than sexy. Bobbi: Okay, listen I wanted to tell you this and and...I was holding back because I didn't know what Denis' decision was going to be... but at this point both Sears and K-Mart stores have refused to handle the album. Ian: That old one, huh? Bobbi: They're boycotting the album only because of the cover. If the first album had been a hit.... Ian: If the company is behind the album it can shove it right down their throats. Bobbi: Money talks and bullshit walks and if the first album was a hit then we could have pressed on them then we could have told them yes... Ian: The music....every cut on this album is a hit. Bobbi: Let's...I don't give a shit what the album's.... Nigel: It's a matter of compromise, we made a joke, and it was a long time ago, they're making it like a big deal. David: That's true. You know, if we were serious and we said "yes she should be forced to sn...smell the glove" then you'd have a point you know but it's all a joke, isn't it, we're making fun of that sort of thing. Nigel: It is and it isn't, she should be made to smell it, but... David: But not, you know, over and over again. Bobbi: You know, we can probably work something out. I'll talk to Denis and maybe we can come up with a compromise. A new design concept that we can all live with. Marty: You guys were school mates..? Nigel: We don't...we, we, we're not not university material David: What's that on your finger? Nigel: That's my gum! David: What are you doing with it on your finger? Nigel: I might need it later. David: Put it on the table, that's terrible. Nigel: Well...I might forget it on the table. David: You can't take him anywhere. Marty: How old were you guys when you met? David: Eight years old. Eight or nine. Nigel: You were eight and I was seven. David: That's right, yeah. Marty: Do you remember the first song that you guys ever wrote together? David: All the Way Home, probably. Marty: All the Way Home? David: Yeah. Marty: Can you remember a little bit of it? I'd love to hear it. David: Christ. Some black coffee maybe we could do it. Nigel: How's it go? N+D: I'm standing here beside the railroad track... and I'm waiting for that train to bring you back.... (bring you back) if, if, if, if, if she's not on the the 5:19 then I'm gonna know what sorrow means..... and I'm gonna cry cry cry all the way home.... all the way home....all the way home..... all the way home....all the way home..... Nigel: Cry, cry, cry all the way home... David: ...fairly simple..... there's about six words in the whole song, you know, Marty: Sounds like a big hit. David: Just repeat them over and over again. Marty: Let's talk about your music today...uh...one thing that puzzles me ...um...is the make up of your audience seems to be ...uh... predominately young boys. David: Well it's a sexual thing, really isn't it. Aside from the identifying the boys do with us there's also a re-reaction to the female.....of the female to our music. How did you put it? Nigel: Really they're quite fearful - that's my theory. They see us on stage with tight trousers we've got, you know, armadillos in our trousers, I mean it's really quite frightening... David: Yeah. Nigel: ...the size...and and they, they run screaming. --- Spinal Tap performs Hell Hole --- --- Chapel Hill, North Carolina --- Nigel: Ian, can I have a word with you for a minute? Ian: Yes, of course. Nigel: ...uh, a couple of problems with the... Ian: What? Nigel: ...arrangments backstage... Ian: What exactly? Nigel: Well, uh.. Ian: What, I mean... Nigel: Well, no, there's some problems here, I don't even know where to start, alright? This, uh.. Ian: Soundcheck? Whats, whats, whats wrong? Nigel: No, no, no, no this....look, look, look, there's a little problem with the... look this, this miniature bread. It's like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour. I can't figure out... let's say I want a bite, right, you've got this... Ian: You'd like bigger bread? Nigel: Exactly! I don't understand how... Ian: You could fold this though. Nigel: Well, no then it's half the size. Ian: Not the bread, you could fold the meat. Nigel: Yeah, but then it, then it breaks up, breaks apart like this. Ian: No, no, no, you put it on the bread like this, you see Nigel: But then, if you keep folding it, it keeps breaking... Ian: Why do you keep folding it? Nigel: And then you...everyhing has to be folded, and then it's this, and I don't want this. I want large bread so that I can put this... Ian: Right Nigel: ...so then it's like this, this doesn't work because then ...it's all.... Ian: 'cause it hangs out like that? Nigel: Look... Ian: Yeah. Nigel: Would you... be holding this? Ian: No, I don't want to eat... I wouldn't want to put that in my mouth, no you're right, Nigel, you're right... Nigel: No, alright 'A', exhibit 'A', now we move on to this, look, look who's in here? No one! And then in here there's a little guy, look! So it's, it's a complete catastrophe! Ian: You're right, Nigel, Nigel calm down, calm down. Nigel: Calm d...good, no it's not a big deal, it's a joke, it's really, it's... Ian: I'm sorry, it's just some crappy univeristy, you know Nigel: I know, Yeah, right, it's a joke, it's all a j.. Ian: Really, I don't want it to affect your performance. Nigel: It's not gonna affect my performance, don't worry about it, alright, just hate it, it's really... Ian: It won't happen again. Nigel: It does disturb me. Ian: It's disgusting. Nigel: But I'll rise above it, I'm a professional, right? Ian: Alright. --- Spinal Tap Perfoms Hell Hole --- Marty: Do you play all...I mean do you actually play all these or...? Nigel: Well, I play them and I cherish them. Marty: Mmm-hmm.... Nigel: This is the top of the heap right here. There's no question about it. Look at the, look at the flame on that one.... Marty: Yes. Nigel: I mean it's just...it's quite unbelievable. This o- this one is just ah...is perfect...1959...ah...you know, it just, you can uh...listen! Marty: How much does this.... Nigel: Just listen for a minute.... Marty: I'm not.... Nigel: The sustain...listen to it... Marty: I'm not hearing anything. Nigel: You would, though, if it were playing, because it really ... it's famous for its sustain...I mean, you could, just hold it.... Marty: Well I mean so you don't.... Nigel: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... You could go and have a bite an'...aaaaaaaaa...you'd still be hearin' that one. Could you hold this a sec'? Marty: Sure. Nigel: This one...this 'course is a custom three-pickup-'Paul. This is my radio...unit.... Marty: Oh, I see.... Nigel: So I strap this...this piece on, you know, right down in here when I'm on stage and.... Marty: It's a wireless. Nigel: Wireless, exactly. And...uh I can play without all the mucky-muck. Marty: You can run anywhere on stage with that. Nigel: Exactly. Now this is special, too, it's a...look...see ...still got the uh...the ol' tagger on it...see...never even played it ...see... Marty: You just bought it and.... Nigel: Don't touch it! Don't touch it! No one...no one...no! Don't touch it. Marty: Well uh I wasn't...uh I wasn't gonna touch it...I was just pointing at it...I.... Nigel: Well don't point, even. Marty: Don't even point? Nigel: No. It can't be played...never...I mean I.... Marty: Can I look at it? Nigel: No. Marty: Don't look at it. Nigel: No, you've seen enough of that one. This is a top to a, you know, what we use on stage, but it's very...very special because if you can see... Marty: Yeah... Nigel: ...the numbers all go to eleven. Look...right across the board. Marty: Ahh...oh, I see.... Nigel: Eleven...eleven...eleven.... Marty: ..and most of these amps go up to ten.... Nigel: Exactly. Marty: Does that mean it's...louder? Is it any louder? Nigel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most...most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here...all the way up...all the way up.... Marty: Yeah.... Nigel: ...all the way up. You're on ten on your guitar...where can you go from there? Where? Marty: I don't know.... Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is if we need that extra.. push over the cliff...you know what we do? Marty: Put it up to eleven. Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder. Marty: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top... number... and make that a little louder? Nigel: These go to eleven. Smitty: Are you uh - are you Spinal Tap? Ian: Spinal Tap -- this is Spinal Tap. ?: Tap -- Tap -- Tap -- Tap -- Tap. Smitty: Welcome to Memphis, gentlemen. We have a slight problem with your reservation. Nothing serious, I'm afraid. Ian: How slight? Smitty: You wanted seven, uh, suites. Ian: Seven. Seven suites. Smitty: Yes w-we-he mistakenly put you on the seventh floor with one suite. Ian: That's considerably more than minor. Smitty: Well, it's a good-sized room, sir. It's a, it's a 'King Leisure'. We can get you a - something Ian: How are we going to get fourteen people in a 'King Leisure' bed, Tucker? Smitty: Oh-ho-ho don't - don't tempt me, sir. David: Have a good time, will you -- we'll be right here. Ian: I will, I'll take care of it. Smitty: Welcome, gentlemen - and very attractive they are, too. Ian: Hey! Hey! Listen to me: We want these suites, and we want them now! OK? These people are tired, we have soundcheck in an hour. Smitty: Yes, sir. We can't help you out - Reba - perhaps you can help here. Reba: What's the problem, sir? Smitty: Can you give me a hand, please? Ian: Yes. I'll tell you what you can do. OK? This - twisted old fruit here - tells me that you have fucked up my reservations. Smitty: I'm just as God made me, sir. David: What's the difference between golf and miniature golf? Derek: I think it's-uh... Mick: The walk. Derek: The holes are smaller (Crazed female fans shriek.) David: Uh-oh- look out, here they come.... Derek: Hold your breath. Fan: Duke! Duke! Can I have your autograph? Nigel: It's Duke. David: Duke! Duke! Terry: Get your hands back. David: It's OK, we know'm, it's Spinal Tap. Terry: Sure. David: David St Hubbins, Spinal Tap; Derek Smalls, Spinal Tap; Nigel.... Terry: Look, we gotta get going here. David: Listen, uh...uh...where you playing in town? You you playin' here? Terry: We're doin' the...uh...Enormodome whatever it is. It's terrific, it's a good house. We sold it out. David: Oh yeah big place outside of town. Terry: Very nice. David: That's a big place. You sold it out?! Nigel: What's that, twenty-thousand seats? Terry: We really should run, you know... Ian: Good heavens. How are you, laddy?! Great to see you, Ter! Terrific to see you. Terry: Uhhhhm...Liam! Ian: Ian. Ian. Terry: Ian. Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta...sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo. Derek: OK. David: OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you again Terry. Derek: We'll catch up with you on the road. Duke: Cheers. David: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days! Fuckin' wanker. Nigel: What a wanker. David: What a wanker. Derek: Total no talent sod. Nigel: He's got this much talent -- this much if he's lucky. David: We carried him. We had to apologize for him with our set. Derek: That's right. Mick: That's right, yeah. David: People were still booin' 'im when we were on. It's all hype. It's all hype. It's all bought. Ian: Yep. We got our rooms, big fat suites. David: Lemme ask you something - lemme ask you something Ian: What? David: Have you seen Duke Fame's current album? Ian: Um... yes, yes. David: Have you seen the cover? Ian: Um... no, no, I don't think I have. David: It's a rather lurid cover, I mean...ah, it's, it's like naked women, and, uh.... Nigel: He's tied down to this table, Ian: Uh-huh. Nigel: And he's got these whips and they're all...semi-nude. David: Knockin' on 'im and it's like much worse... Ian: What's the point? David: Well the point is it's much worse than 'Smell the Glove' ...he releases that he's number three. Ian: Because he's the victim. Their objections were that she was the victim. You see? Derek: I see.... Nigel: Oh... David: Ah.... Ian: That's alright, if the singer's the victim, it's different. It's not sexist. Nigel: He did a twist on it. A twist and it's.. Derek: He did, he did. He turned it around. Ian: We shoulda thought of that.... David: We were so close.... Ian: I mean if we had all you guys tied up, that probably woulda been fine. All: Ah.... Ian: But it's...it's still a stupid cover. David: It's such a fine line between stupid an'... Derek: ...and clever. David: Yeah, and clever. Nigel: Just that little turnabout.... Ian: I have a small piece of bad news. Although it may not be that bad. Mick: For a change, you mean? Ian: We're-uh. We're cancelled here. Derek: At the hotel? Ian: No, we're cancelled - the gig is cancelled.... Derek: Fuck! Ian: Uh...it says "Memphis show cancelled due to lack of advertising funds"... Marty: The last time Tap toured America, they where, uh, booked into 10,000 seat arenas, and 15,000 seat venues, and it seems that now, on the current tour they're being booked into 1,200 seat arenas, 1,500 seat arenas, and uh I was just wondering, does this mean uh...the popularity of the group is waning? Ian: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no...no, no, not at all. I, I, I just think that the.. uh.. their appeal is becoming more selective. Marty: Yeah. Now, I notice this here, you've got this cricket bat here... Ian: Yes. Marty: Do you play? Ian: No, I carry this partly out of, uh, I don't know some sort of, uh, I suppose what's the word...uh.... Marty: Affectation? Ian: Yes, I mean it's, it's, a it's a kind of totemestic thing you know, but to be quite frank with you, it's come in useful in a couple of situations. Certainly in the topsy, turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is quite often...useful. Marty: Mhmh. David: I miss you too, darling...uhm, not too well, actually... well, we've got some cancellations, that's all, we got to Memphis, and there is no gig in Memphis and we find out that this, this promoter in the Mid-West uhh has pulled out St. Louis, and Kansas City, and uh...oh Des Moines... I don't know, it's in Indiana or something... I thought...oh don't tease me, that's not until April, great! We'll do it, oh good, oh, fucking great... Milwaukee...Milwaukee, Wisconsin...I've no idea, you might have to take the plane to New York, and then get, and then go to, uh, to Milwaukee from there... ...oh, good I love you too...okay, bye... Ah, well, my problems are solved, mate! Nigel: Who's that? David: Jeanine, she's going to come meet us. She was supposed to do this uh window layout for Neil Kite's Boutique, but it's not until April. Nigel: Is she coming to drop some stuff off, you know, and then... David: No. Nigel: ...and then go back? David: No, she's coming on the road, she's going to travel with us, gonna go on the road with us. Derek?: Turn it up, turn it up! David: She says she can hear that I'm eating too much sugar on the phone, she says my larynx is fat. Derek: You uh might want to come next door, the radio is playing a bit of your past. David: Ohooow..... I don't believe it! ?: Listen to this. ?: Shhhhh. ?: Sounds good. DJ: Oh, yeah, going all the way back to 1965 that one.... ?: Shhhhhh-shhh. DJ: Don't it feel good, with The Thamsmen and "Cups and Cakes" Derek: You're an oldie...you're an oldie! DJ: The Thamesmen later changed their names to Spinal Tap they had a couple of B-side hits they are currently residing in the "where are they now" file. Johnny Q with you on Golden 106 and right after we... Derek: Fuck you! David: I'm not really sure this was such a great idea, I mean I don't feel any better than I did at the hotel. Derek: He was going to do a TV special from here, before he died. David: Yeah, that's right, the musical version of "Somebody Up There Likes Me"... (Sings:) Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell well, it's down at the end of Lonely Street, at Heartbreak Hotel. Nigel: Do it, do it with the harmony parts. D + N: Well since my baby left... David: The same key, though, I think. D + N: Well since my baby left me... Nigel: If I'm going: Well since my baby left me, meeee... David: No, you can't hit that note! Derek, D+N: Mmmmm...since my baby left me, well, I found a new place to dwell... Nigel: That's alright. Derek: Not really, not really...voice down... David: Well it sounds raga, don't want to go raga on this stuff. Nigel: No, not with this you don't, Well since my baby left me, David: It sounds...fuckin barbershop... Derek: Hey! David: Barbershop raga. A new hybrid. Derek: Hey, watch the, watch the language, you're paying homage to the King! David: Oh sorry...well this is thoroughly depressing. Nigel: It really puts perspective on things, though, doesn't it? David: Too much, there's too much fucking perspective now. Marty: In 1967, uh, you... that was the first time Spinal Tap came into existence? Derek: Well, the whole world was changing in those days. David: And, and we also has the world's ear. Derek: We were changing the world. David: Because we've just released an enormous selling single: "Listen to the Flower People". Nigel: Flower People! David: We toured the world, we toured the States... Derek: We toured the world and elsewhere. David: It was, it was a dream come true. --- Spinal Tap performs (Listen to the) Flower People--- --- JAMBOREE BOP American-TV 1967 --- Marty: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer? David: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond, he also died in mysterious circumstances...we were playing a... Nigel: Festival... David: Jazz-blues festival, where was that? Nigel: Blues-jazz really. Derek: Blues-jazz festival... Nigel: It was in the Isle of, it was in the Isle of.... Nigel + Derek:Isle of Lucy. Derek: Isle of Lucy. Nigel: Isle of Lucy. David: Isle of Lucy...jazz-blues festival... Nigel: And....it was tragic really...he exploded on stage. Derek: Just like that... David: He just went up... Nigel: He just was like a flash of green light...and that was it, nothing was left... David: Look at his face .... it's true, this really did happen. Nigel: Well, there was a little green globule on his drum seat. David: Like a stain, really. Nigel: More of a stain than a globule, actually, and... David: You know several...you know dozens of people spontaneously combust each year, it's just not really widely reported. Nigel: Right. Nigel: Hello, hello, hello, hello David: Testin', test, test, test, test "This is mike munber one, this is mike number one, isn't this a lot of fun?" Nigel: Two, two. David: Okay, got the mikes... Nigel: Let's do G. S. M, alright...G. S. M. --- Spinal Tap plays G. S. M., (Gimmie Some Money) --- Jeanine: Hello, darling, hellooo, got a surprise for you. David: Hey! Where'd you come from? Jeanine: Where do you think I came from? Bloody airplane, didn't I? Right? ?: David.....David.....David....David Jeanine: ...feels good, oh I've been wanting to do that for the longest time. David: ...carry you about with me... Jeanine: What's...tell me... David: Wh...that's the film crew I told you about, this, this is the film crew: Ma...Ma'tn... Jeanine: Hi, Martin. David: This is Jeanine. Marty: Hello. Jeanine: Hello. Ian: Here it is! Derek: Visitor's Day. isn't it? Ian: Here it is, lads! "Smell The Glove" me old beauties ...gather round.. Where's David?... David, David, get up here! ?: Come on Ian, you're kidding... Derek: David, "Smell The Glove" is here. Hello, Jeanine. Ian: The moment we've all been waiting for...Here we go, plenty for everybody...here you are. David: I never thought I'd see...I never thought I'd live to see the day. ?: We ought to play a little fanfare! Ian: What do you think? Derek: Is this the test pressing? Ian: No, this is it, yes, that's right... David: This is "Smell The Glove" by Spinal Tap.... Ian: That's "Smell The Glove" that's, that's the jacket cover, it's going out across the country in every store. David: This is the compromise we made...this is the compromise you made? Ian: Yes. Derek: Is it going to say anything here, or here along the spine? David: It's not going to say anything? Ian: No, it's not going to say anything. Nigel: It's going to be like this, all black... Ian: No, it's going to be that simple, beautiful, classic! ?: Does look a little bit like, you know, black leather... Derek: You can see yourself in... both sides. David: I feel so bad, I feel so bad about this... Nigel: It's like a black mirror. David: Well, I think it looks like death...it looks like mourning. I mean it looks... Ian: David, David, every, every movie, in every cinema is about death; death sells! Nigel: I think he's right, there is something about this, that's that's so black, it's like; "How much more black could this be?" and the answer is: "None, none... more black." David: I think, like you're, like rationalizing this whole thing like into something you did on on purpose. I think we're stuck with a very, very stupid and a very, and a very dismal looking album, this is depressing. Nigel: David! David: This is something you wear around your arm, you don't put this on your fucking turntable. Nigel: David, it's a choice. Ian: I frankly think that this is the turning point, okay? I think, I think this is...we're on our way now. Nigel: I agree, I agree... Ian: It's time, time to kick arse! --- Spinal Tap performs Rock And Roll Creation --- Marty: Given the history of Spinal Tap drummers, uh, in the past, do you have any fears, uh, for your life? Mick: When I did join, you know, they did tell me, they kind of took me aside and said "Well, Mick, ah, you know it's like this" and it did kind if freak me out a bit, but it can't always happen to every.... can it? Marty: Right...right, the law of averages says... Mick: The law of averages... Marty: ...says that you will survive. Mick: Yeah. Viv: Ohh, quite exciting, quite exciting this computer magic, wheeeee... Ian: How many uh planets have you destroyed, Viv? Viv: Well, four or five, fifth time around I think...really five, few galaxies gone, you know.... Derek: This is Cindy's first moustache. Ian: Is it? David: Can I take it off now? Jeanine: Why? Too hot in here? David: No, it's...it's, I thought I might go back to see what they're up to back there you know, I don't think they really need to see this until you've finished with it, you know... Jeanine: Well, you were reading, you can, you can read here... David: Yeah, but...they, they've got a game back there, thought I'd maybe have a look at the new game, it's like a submarine thing. Jeanine: You've got, you've got all stuff over you again. David: Before I met Jeanine, my life was cosmically a shambles, it was ah...I was using bits and pieces of whatever Eastern philosophies happened to drift through my transom and she sort of sorted it out for me, straightened it out for me, gave me a path, you know, a path to follow. Marty: I wonder if you have as much influence over his musical expression? Jeanine: Oh, yeah, I mean listen to him when he's experimenting, and things like that, don't I? He's, he plays things to me, sometimes when he's worked up, and he's got a new bit he wants to tell me about, you know, and I say "Yeah, that's good", or "that's bad", or "that's shit" or whatever, you know. David: Yes, she is very honest, she is brutally frank. Marty: Well, how does that go over with the other band members? I mean, you... David: Well, what happens is that she gives me the brutally frank version and I sort of tart it up for them. Jeanine: Yes. David: Of course, you know, it's so strange because Nigel and Jeanine are so similar in so many ways, but they just can't, they don't dislike each other at all... Jeanine: No. David: There's great love between the two of them... Jeanine: Oh, yes.... David: But, they just, there's some sort of communication that's just not, just blocked or something... Marty: It's pretty. Nigel: Yeah, I like it, just been fooling about with it for a few months now, very delicate... Marty: It's a, it's a bit of a departure from the kind of thing you normally play. Nigel: Yeah, it's part of a...trilogy really, a musical trilogy I'm doing... in... D minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys really. I don't know why, but it makes people weep instantly, you play a..baaaaa...baaaaaa it's a horn part. Marty: It's very pretty. Nigel: ...baaaa, baaaaa, yeah, just simple lines intertwining, you know very much like, I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, it's sort of in between those, really, it's like a Mach piece really, it's... Marty: What do you call this? Nigel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump". Marty: Hmm. ASO: Excuse me, sir, do you have any metal objects in your pockets? Derek: Yeah. ASO: Take them out and put them in the bucket. Derek: Coins, keys, tuning fork. Musician, I have to stay in tune, you know, be a moment. David: One more ASO: Ok, would you take this jacket off please? Derek: Oh, it's the zipper...settin off the machine. David: Let's go then, let's go hurry up. ASO: Step over here, please..... David: Troublemaker! ASO: Raise your arms....do you have any artificial plates or limbs? Derek: Not really, no.... ASO: Uh...would you umm...... David: Do it. Nigel: Do it. --- Spinal Tap plays Heavy Duty --- Artie: Hi, Artie Fufkin. Viv: Hi, Artie... Artie: Polymer Records, how are you, hey, how ya doin' you are ....Derek? Derek: Derek, Yeah. Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, how are you, I'm your promo man here in Chicago. Nigel: Wow, that's great. Artie: I love you guys, and... Nigel: Yeah. Artie: And of course, Nigel. Nigel: Nigel. Artie: I love you, Nigel Tufnel. Nigel: Right. Artie: I love your stuff, I go back with you guys.. boy do I? Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records Nigel: Right, yeah. Artie: And who are you, darlin'? Derek: Oh, this is my special new friend, Cindy. Artie: Hello, Cindy. Nigel: And this is Belinda. Artie: Hello, Belinda... Belinda: Nice to meet you. Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, promo....and I'm...oh... what's going on here... Derek: They're making a... Artie: ...hi, hi guys, Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, nice to see you, and where is David?... David, hi, Artie Fufkin, how are you? David: It's nice to see you.. Artie: We've got something exciting happening tomorrow.... Mick: The Food! The Food!...Ahhhhh...owwww...ohhhh ?: The food! RSG: Oh, thank god, civilization! Where do I put this? Artie: What are you doing to me here? RO: I'm not doing anything. Artie: I thought we had a relationship here ... I don't know what happened? RO: Business is terrible, Artie, what can I tell you... this is the truth. Artie: I know business is terrible, but what happens with the with the record store with the promotion, and no one shows up! RO: This isn't a personal thing Artie, nobody's coming in the store to... Artie: Forget personal thing. We had a relationship here, forget about personal, what about a relationship?... I feel like a shlub, I don't know what's happening, It's me, that's what's happening. It's me, I did it, it's my fault. Nigel: We were told massive radio support. Artie: We did! We did massive. Nigel: Vast...they said vast radio support. Artie: We did massive, we saturated, we over saturated. That's what it is, It's me, I did it, I fucked up, I fucked up the timing, that's all, I fucked up the timing, I've got no timing, I've got no timing, I've got NO timing. You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me? Nigel: What? Artie: Do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all, kick my ass, enjoy! C'mon, I'm not asking, I'm telling with this, kick my ass! Crowd: C'mon...c'mon! Derek: Well we've kept 'em waiting long enough. Let's do it to them. C'mon Mick!!! Nigel: Let's go Mr. Shrimpton! Derek: Let's rock'n roll! Crowd: C'mon. Let's hear some rock'n roll! Derek: Rock 'n roll!!! Nigel: Let's go then!!! Viv: Yeah. Yeah mate!!! Derek: Going to be a hot one isn't it? Nigel: It's going to be a great show. Derek: No it's not an exit. Not an exit. David: We don't want an exit. Derek: No, that's true. David: Try this way. Derek: I hope so. This way. David: Wait, this looks familiar, though...it really does. Derek: Listen. Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap... David: Shit. Derek: Let's not lose it though! Let's not lose it...Where the fuck is Ian? You know he should be here. Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap.... Derek: We got to get to it someway. We've been on stage right? David: We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing tonight. Janitor: You go right straight through this door here, down the hall.... David: Yeah. Janitor: ...turn right... David: Yeah. Janitor: ...and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet. Derek: A jog? Janitor: ...jog to the left... David: A jog? Derek: We don't have time for that. Janitor: ...go straight ahead... David: We trust you. We trust you. Janitor: ...go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the next two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized Personnel Only"... David: Yeah. Janitor: Open that door, that's the stage! David: You think so? Janitor: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you? David: We've got guitars yeah. Janitor: It's on the... David: Alright! Thank you. Thank you very much. Rock 'n roll! Rock and roll!!! Viv: Let's get it! Let's get it! David: This way? Derek: No, this way. David: I see, this way. Derek: Straight through. Rock 'n roll! Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!!! Nigel: Let's go! David: Fuck! Janitor: You must've made a wrong turn. Derek: We gotta go another way. David: Other way. Other way. Other way. Derek: Other way. Other way. David: I hate to keep harping on this, but I think that the notion of a black album has really cursed us, in a way. Ian: Believe me, we're getting some very substantial reports of airplay. I don't think we have to worry about that. Jeanine: You know, it might have been better if the, uh, album had been mixed right. David: Well I suppose you could cry about that, of course it's true. I mean it's true. Jeanine: It wasn't...it was mixed all wrong, wasn't it? Nigel: It was mixed wrong? Jeanine: Yeah.... Nigel: Were you there? Jeanine: ...you couldn't hear the... Nigel: How do you know it was mixed wrong? David: But she's...she's heard the...she's heard the record. Jeanine: No, but I've heard the album. Nigel: So you're judgement is it was mixed wrong. Jeanine: You couldn't hear the lyrics on all of it. David: You don't agree that you can't hear the vocals? Nigel: No, I don't. I do not agree. No. David: Well I think maybe.... Nigel: It's interesting that she's bringing it up. David: Well she'd like to hear the vocals. Nigel: I mean it's like it's me saying, you know, you're using the wrong conditioner for your hair. It looks sort of... frizzy. David: Don't be stupid. Jeanine: You don't, you don't do heavy metal in dobly, you know, I Mean...it's Nigel: In what??? In what??? Jeanine: In dobly... Nigel: In doubly!?! What's that? David: She means Dolby, alright? She means Dolby, you know? You know perfectly well what she means. Nigel: ...ha ha... David: We shan't recover from this one. We shan't recover from this one. Ian: Oh, come on. David: Can I have...can I have the floor for just one moment because I've got, you know, something I'd like to show you. These, uh, Jeanine's been working on these very hard. These are a new direction... Jeanine: Got a new idea for a new presentation. David: ...a stage look...for the band fashioned after... Jeanine: The signs of the zodiac. David: ...the signs of the zodiac. Jeanine: We needed a new presentation. David: This is a look for Viv; he's a Libra. There's sort of the ying...yang... Jeanine: ...ying and the yang... David: ...sort of look, this is Nigel. He's...he's uh... Capricorn. Sort of a goat look. Jeanine: I've given you a little bib. Nigel: Is this a joke? David: ...this is the... Nigel: Excuse me, is this a joke? Jeanine: A joke??? David: Just bear with us for one moment please. This...I love this. I wish I were... Cancer the crab. Nigel: Oh, that's attractive. David: This is your crab face. Give me a chance! Give it a chance...and this is a... Jeanine: David's a lion. Ian: David. David. David. Wait, please, wait a minute. Have you any idea what it will cost to dress up the band as animals? Jeanine: Oh, it don't cost nothing. It really doesn't. David: They're not animals, they're signs of the zodiac. Ian: They're animals. David: It's a way to fight the drabs. You know we've got the drabs. Nigel: Well that's true. I think mine would look good - better in doubly. If it was done in doubly.... Jeanine: Oh shut up!!! David: I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'm quite open minded enough Derek: David. No, no, David, there are solutions to all problems. I think we know what they are. David: I've yet to hear them. I've yet to hear them from another quarter than this .. Derek: We can take the rational approach; we can say.... Nigel: May I make a suggestion? May I make a suggestion? I've got one other suggestion. David: Well let's hear yours. Let's hear your suggestion. Nigel: Stonehenge! Stonehenge. It's the best production value we've ever had on stage. David: But we haven't got the equipment. We haven't got the equipment, we haven't got Stonehenge, we haven't... Nigel: Not yet we don't. Let's start... David: We haven't got... Nigel: Please, please just a moment. Musically, musically we all know it. Ian: We know it works...I don't think it's a bad idea. Nigel: Musically we all know it. Right? No problems musically. We go right on stage. And it's quite simple. This is you know...Ian can take care of this... David: I know what the Stonehenge monument looks like. We don't have that piece of scenery anymore. Nigel: I know, so we build a new one. And this is it, look! Ian: Consider...consider it done. David: So you're just going to take care of it like that. You're going to find someone to design it...using that as a plan? Ian: Let's try. Let's try. David: If you can do it, I'll do the number. Marty: Do you feel that in collaboration with David, that you are afforded the opportunity to express yourself musically the way you would like to? Nigel: Well, I think I do you know in my solos. My solos are my trademark. Ian: This looks absolutely perfect. I mean it's, uh, the right proportions. It'll be this color right? Artist: Yeah. Yeah. Ian: Yeah. That's...that's...that's just terrific. It almost looks like the real thing. Artist: You got it. Ian: When we get the actual, uh, set, when we get the piece, it'll...it'll follow exactly these specifications. I mean even these contours and everything? Artist: Um, I'm not understanding it. What do you mean "the actual piece?" Ian: Well I mean...I mean when you build the actual piece. Artist: But this is what you asked for, isn't it? Ian: What? Artist: Well this is the piece. Ian: This is the piece? Artist: Yes. Ian: Are you telling me that this is it? This is scenery? Have you ever been to Stonehenge? Artist: No, I haven't been to Stonehenge. Ian: The triptychs are...the triptychs are twenty feet high. You can stand four men up them! Artist: Ian, I was...I was...I was supposed to build it eighteen inches high. Ian: This is insane. This isn't a piece of scenery. Artist: Look, look. Look, this is what I was asked to build. Eighteen inches. Right here, it specifies eighteen inches. I was given this napkin, I mean... Ian: Forget this! Fuck the napkin!!! --- Spinal Tap performs Stonehenge --- Nigel: And, oh, how they danced, the little children of Stonehenge beneath the haunted moon, for fear that daybreak might come too soon. David: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem may have been... that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object. Ian: I really think you're just making a much too big thing out of it. Derek: Making a big thing out of it would've been a good idea. Ian: Nigel gave me a drawing that said eighteen inches. Alright? David: I know he did, and that's what I'm talking about. Ian: Now, whether he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told. David: But you're not as confused as him are you? I mean it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel is. Ian: It's my job to do what I'm asked to do by the creative element of this band. And that's what I did. C'mon... Jeanine: The audience were laughing. Ian: So it became a comedy number. David: Yes it did! Yes it fucking well did, and it was not pleasant to be part of the comedy on stage. Backstage, perhaps, it was very amusing. Derek: Maybe we just fix the choreography. Keep the dwarf clear. David: What do you mean? Derek: So he won't trod upon it. David: I don't think that's the issue. I think it's symptomatic that maybe you're taking on more than you can...uh...uh.. uh...handle. Jeanine: It's not exactly the first time you've messed things up is it? David: I mean there's been some, uh, gaping holes in the business end of this, of this, uh. Ian: "Not the first time"...just a minute. Excuse me. This is a band meeting. Right? Are you here for some reason? David: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. She's, she's with me. Ian: No, but is she now in the band. Is she singing backup or something? Jeanine: I care what happens to the band. David: She's with me alright? Ian: David, whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this little fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys, you guys have built around yourselves... David: Hey don't knock it mate. Don't knock it mate. Ian: ...you start screaming like a bunch of poncy hairdressers. I mean it's just a problem you know. It gets solved... Jeanine: It doesn't. Ian: ...you can't...you can't live in a bubble. Jeanine: If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn't get solved. I mean what do you think happened out there? What got solved tonight? Ian: For one thing that goes wrong...one...one single thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin! David: Yes. We've seen you. We've seen you do that. Ian: You know? I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews. That's what I do. Jeanine: Well maybe you should get someone else to find the lost luggage, and you should concentrate on what's going on on stage! David: Yes, yes. That's what we're talking about. Ian: You mean you want me to be the road manager? David: All bad...No, all bad ba...uh, could we... Jeanine: What Dave is trying to say, if you'd let him get a word through, is...you could maybe...do with some help. Ian: Some help? Jeanine: ...managing the band. David: It's very simple, it's very simple. Jeanine: It's that clear. David: Maybe there's someone already in the organization. We don't have to pay insurance. We don't have to pay extra room, etc. Since she's already here, she's already among us, and uh, she can...she is perfectly capable of taking over... Ian: She? She? Wait a minute! Wait a minute! David: Well who do you think I'm talking about? Who do you think I'm talking about? Ian: I would...I would have never dreamed in a million years that it was her you were talking about! David: Why not? Jeanine: I am offering to help out here. Ian: No, you're not offering to help out. You're offering to co-manage the band with me. Is that it? David & Jeanine: Yes! David: In so many words, that is exactly it. Jeanine: Exactly! Ian: I'm certainly not going to co-manage with some...some... some girl just because she's your girlfriend... David: Don't call her my girlfriend! Ian: Alright, she's not your girlfriend. I don't know... Jeanine: Oh girlfriend is it? You couldn't manage a classroom full of kids! I don't know what you're doing managing a band! David: Why don't we just... Jeanine: Oh shut up!!! Ian: Look, look...I...I...this is...this is my position okay? I am not managing it with you or any other woman, especially one that dresses like an Australian's nightmare. So fuck you!!! Jeanine: Fuck you too!!! Ian: And fuck all of you...because I quit! Alright? That's it! Good night!!! Derek: Can I raise a practical question at this point? David: Yeah. Derek: We gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow? David: No we're not gonna fucking do Stonehenge!!! Jeanine: OK, we're all set, thank you, alright fellows, We've got the tickets. We're on the 3:10 flight, gate 24, alright. And it arrives at 4:00 in Colorado, and then we've got a limo to take us to the lodge. David: That's about a hundred yards from Rainbow Trout Studio. Jeanine: Uh, what I've done is to arrange a whole load of charts. David: Wait till you see this, wait till you see this, this is so great Jeanine: The band's sign is Virgo, and we see it's Saturn in the third house, allright, and it is a bit rocky. But, because Virgo is one of the most highly intelligent signs of the Zodiac, we're gonna pull through this, with great aplomb. David: Yeah. It is so clear, it really is, it's so clear... Jeanine: Nigel hasn't got one, Nigel, Nigel, we've got some pages for you here... David: He's got one, he's got one...you know, think about what jumble a tour usually is... Jeanine: If you have a look at this.... he doesn't want it? David: No, He's got one, he's got one Jeanine: Now, what I want to explain to you here is that Denver.. Marty: How would you characterize your relationship with David over the years. Has it changed in any way? Nigel: Not really, I mean, you know, they go, we've grown up but really it's not, no, not really... we we feel like children much of the time, even when we're playing. We're closer than brothers. Brothers always fight, sort of disagreements, and all that. We really have a relationship that's way, way past that. David: Ahhhhhhh... Nigel: He can't play the fucking guitar anymore. Derek: You know the part, you did it this morning. Nigel: No, he doesn't know the fucking...if he knew the fucking part he'd play it, wouldn't he?... Are you walking out? Are you walking out? Derek: Fuck! Nigel: Great, just tell me what I'm supposed to do, alright? David: We're supposed do play the fucking thing, aren't we. We've no choice, we've spent an hour and a half... Nigel: I'm doing my part...do you know what would make this a lot simpler, I mean I hate to cut right through it here, why don't you play this alone, without some fucking angel hanging over your head, you know what I mean? Derek: Jesus Christ, this is fucking all we need! Nigel: You can't fucking concentrate, because of your fucking wife, simple as that, alright, it's your fucking wife! David: She's not my wife! Nigel: Whatever fuck she is, alright, you can't concentrate, we can't fucking do the track. David: This is unbelievable! This is unbelievable! Nigel: No, it's not unbelievable at all...it all leads up to this...it all leads up to this David: This is unbelieveable. Will you check me on this, am I losing my fucking mind? Could you check me on this, am I losing my mind? I-I-I-I don't understand what this has to do with anything. Derek: We're very lucky in the sense that we've got two visionaries in the band. Marty: Right. Derek: David and Nigel are both like, uh, like poets you know like Shelley or Byron, or people like that. The two totally distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically, you see and I feel my role in the band, is to be kind of in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water, in a sense. Jeanine: Listen, I don't think we've got time to go to the hotel, I think we better go straight to the base. Nigel: To the what? Viv: Base? David: The gig. Derek: To the Civic Arena, right? David: No, it fell through. Jeanine: No. Nigel: Wait a sec, wait a sec, hold it, hold it! Do you know about this, and we don't know about this? What are you talking about? Jeanine: We are going to the Air Force base. Nigel: Why are we going to an Air Force base? Jeanine: Cause the original gig fell through.... Jeanine: Lieutenant Hookstrat.... Hookstratten:Ahh...Hookstratten..and you are Spinal Tarp? Jeanine: I'm Jeanine Pettibone, and this is Spinal TAP. Hookstratten:Spinal TAP, my mistake, I'm Lieutenant Bob Hookstratten. Welcome to the Lindberg Air Force base. This is your gentlemen's first visit to a military facility? Derek: Yeah... Hookstratten:Fine, may I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here, we are such fans of your music, and all of your records. Derek: That's great Hookstratten:I am not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll... David: I can understand that. Derek: It's a great genre. Hookstratten:...of the exciting things that are happening in the music today. Let me explain a bit of what's going on. This is our monthly "at-ease weekend", gives us the chance to kind of let down our hair, although I see you all have a head start. These haircuts wouldn't pass military muster, believe me. Although I shouldn't talk I, my hair's getting a little shaggy too, better not get too close to you, they'll think I'm part of the band, I am joking, of course. Shall we go in and I'll show you around. Walk this way, please, right through here. Did you ever run into a musical group works out of Kansas City call themselves "Four Jacks and a Jill"? They've been at a Ramada Inn there for about 18 months. If you're ever in Kansas City and want to hear some good music, you might want to drop by. I would like to get the playing on about 1900 hours, if that is satisfactory? Derek: When will that be? Hookstratten:I make it now it is about 1830 hours. Derek: So that's what? about 50 hours? David: 120 hours? Hookstratten:That's actually about 30 minutes, about a half hour, give or take just a few minutes. I don't want to rush you. The idea is that we get it on and we get it over with and I have just one request, would you play a couple of slow numbers so I can dance. --- Spinal Tap performs Sex Farm --- Jeanine: He totally ruined the gig, there. He walks off and then you know, he can't be expected to sit home and get money, so we've got to get someone else in there. Marty: Has he ever done this before? Has he ever.... David: Well, no. Marty: ...quit the band before? David: No, but it's....you've got to understand that like in the world of rock and roll there are certain changes that sometimes occur, and you've just got to, sort of, roll with them, you know. I mean you read... you read... you saw exactly how many people who's been in this band over the years, 37 people's been in this band over the years. I mean it's like, you know, six months from now, I can't see myself missing Nigel more than I might miss Ross McLochness, or Ronnie Pudding, or Danny Upham, or Little Danny Schindler, or any of those, you know, it's... Marty: I can't...I can't believe it. I can't believe that, you know, that, you're lumping Nigel in with uh you know these people you've played with for a short period of time... David: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation, but still in all, I mean you've got to be realistic about this sort of thing, you know.... Marty: So, what happens to the band now? David: What do you mean? Marty: He's not coming back, or...? David: No, we, we shan't work together again. Jeanine: Oh, no! I told them once, I told them a hundred times: put "Spinal Tap" first and "Puppet show" last. Derek: It's a morale builder, isn't it? Jeanine: We've got a big dressing room, though. David: What? Jeanine: Got a big dressing room here... David: Oh, we've got a bigger dressing room than the puppets? Oh, that's refreshing.. Viv: I've got some of this Mendocino Rocket Fuel, that's supposed to be really...... David: Can you play...excuse me, Viv, can you play a bassline, uh, like Nigel used to do on "Big Bottom", can you double that? You recall the lines in fifths? Viv: Oh, yeah. I've got two hands here, yeah I can do it. David: So, that's good, you can play that one. Derek: "Hole" is out, "Heavy" is out.... David: "Heavy-Hole" .... Derek: Right, right, right, right...."America" is out..... David: "America" we can't do, that's Nigel's tune, not my tune. Derek: We know, we know, we know, we know...That's a nice little set, isn't it, that's a cozy ten minutes. David: What are we going to do, we've got nothing to play here... Derek: I'll tell you what we're gonna have to do... David: What? Derek: Jazz odyssey! David: We're not going about to do a free-form jazz, uh, exploration in front of a festival crowd! --- Spinal Tap Mark II performs Jazz Odyssey --- David: You are witnesess at the new birth of Spinal Tap Mark II, hope you enjoy our new direction... ...on the bass: Derek Smalls, he wrote this..... Reporter: So tonight's the last show of the tour. How's that feel? You know, is like this your last waltz, are we talkin' the end of Spinal Tap, or are you gonna try to milk it for a few more years in Europe, I mean.... David: Well, I don't, I don't really think that the end can be assessed...uh as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like, it's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe you say the...if the universe is indeed infinite then how what does that mean? How far is is t...is all the way and then if it stops what's stoppin' it and what's behind what's stoppin' it, so what's the end, you know, is my...question to you.... Guy: 'Sa good crowd. Good crowd. Jeanine: It is, isn't it? Guy: Yeah, it really is. I mean, you know, some of these things just, you know, don't mean much. Jeanine: It was hard to get at the last minute, you know, you can't arrange it all overnight. Derek: David, we had a fifteen-year ride, mate. 'Mean, who wants to be a fuck'n forty-five year old rock'n'roller farting around in front of people less than half their age?.... David: So true, so true, yeah.... Derek: ...cranking out some kind of mediocre head-banging bullshit, you know, that we've forgotten... David: It would b...it's beneath us...who wants to see that... not me. Derek: That's right...absolutely right. I mean, we could take those projects that we thought, you know, we didn't have time for.... David: Oh, there's dozens, there's so many dozens of projects. Derek: You know, we didn't have time for 'em because of Tap and bring 'em back to life maybe. David: Do you remember what we were...do you remember the time? Derek: At the Luton...at the Luton Palace... David: Yes. Derek: We were talking about a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper... David: Yeah,'Saucy Jack.' Derek: Right.'Saucy Jack.' Now's the time to do that. David: "Saucy Jack, you're a naughty one, Saucy Jack, you're a haughty one, Saucy Jack." Derek: Right... David: It's a freein' up, innit? Derek: Yeah. David: It's all this free time it's suddenly time is so elastic.. Derek: It's a gift, it's a gift of freedom. You know. David: I've always, I've always wanted to do a collection of my acoustic numbers with the London Philharmonic as you know. Derek: We're lucky. David: Yeah. Derek: I mean people...people should be envying us. You know. David: I envy us. Derek: Yeah. David: I do. Derek: Me too. Derek: We'll make 'em miss us. Viv: Last stop. David: I'm in, I'm in tune...the last tuning Derek: Last tuning... Jeanine: ...time to go...shall we go...I think it's time to go. Derek: Yeah, we're gonna do a good show, we'll do a dynamite show David: Come to see the show? Nigel: Yeah, hi, Mick! Mick: Nige. David: So d'you just come here to hang around backstage like a real rock and roller? Is that what you're doing? Nigel: I'm really a messenger... David: A messenger... Nigel: Yeah, I bumped into Ian, and.... David: Ian...Ian?...oh, the other dead man, yeah. Nigel: Seems that "Sex Farm" is on the charts in Japan... Derek: Spinal Tap's recording of "Sex Farm". Nigel: It's number five, last week, actually. So, he, he, he, um he asked me, to ask you, Tap, if you would be interested in reforming and, uh, doing a tour. Japan. David: So you've come back to replug our life-support systems in? Is that it? By the grace of your, of your, uh by the stroke of your hand...you...is that what you're gonna do? ...you are going to bring us back to life? Is that what you've come here for? Nigel: No I've come... David: I mean it's...I don't...you've a fucking... nerve that you display in com... Nigel: No that's it's I'm just passing on information, really... Jeanine: Yeah, I think it's time to go in, we don't have time to discuss this now... Nigel: David; do a good show, alright David: Yeah, OK. --- Spinal Tap performs Tonight I'm Going to Rock You Tonight-- David: Nigel Tufnel, Lead guitar! Marty: Do you feel that playing rock'n'roll...music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development? Derek: No...no...no, I feel, it's like, it's more like going, going to a national park, or something, and there's, you know, they preserve the moose...and that's, that's my childhood up there on stage is that moose, you know, and.. and... Marty: So, when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage? Derek: Yeah. David: I've been listening to the classics, I belong to a...great series um..It's called the 'Namesake Series' of cassettes. Marty: Uh huh.. David: And they send you the works of famous authors, done by actors with the same last name. So I've got Denholm Elliot reading T.S. Elliot on this one... Marty: Yeah...well, that's interesting... David: I've go... Yes, I've got Danny Thomas doing "A Child's Christmas in Wales" by Dylan Thomas, and...next month it's Mclean Stephenson reads Robert Louis Stevenson. Ah, "Treasure Island" I believe. Marty: That's interesting...It's fascinating. David: Yeah.. and there's also something...there's uh shorter works of Washington Irving, read by someone called Dr. J. Marty: Oh, that's Julius Irving...Julius Irving... David: Oh! Marty: The basketball player. David: There you go, in keeping with the series, yes. I didn't know that, yeah. Nigel: You like this? Marty: It's very nice ...it looks like Halloween... Nigel: This is exact... my exact inner structure, done in a T-shirt. Exactly, medically accurate, see. Marty: So, in other words, if we were to take all your flesh and blood and every.... Nigel: ..take them off... Marty: ...and you'd see..exact... Nigel: This is what you'd see... Marty: It wouldn't be green, though?. Nigel: It *is* green! You know, see, see how your blood looks blue? Marty: Yeah, well, that's just the vein, I mean the color of the vein, the blood is actually red.. Nigel: Oh, mabye it's not green...anyway, this is what I sleep in sometimes. Marty: Yeah. Marty: Denis Eton-Hogg, the president of Polymer Records... Ian: Yes. Marty: ...was recently knighted, what were the circumstances surrounding his knighthood? Ian: The specific reason why he was knighted was uh for the founding of Hoggwood, which is um, a summer-camp for pale, young boys. Marty: David St. Hubbins...I ne..I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name... David: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint. Marty: Oh, there actually is, uh...there was a Saint Hubbins? David: That's right, yes. Marty: What was he the saint of? David: He was the patron saint of quality footwear. Marty: You play to predominantly, uh predominantly a white audience, you feel your music is racist in any way? David: No! Nigel: No, no, of course not.... David: We pro...we say, we say "love your brother", we don't say it, really, but.. Nigel: We don't literally say it. David: No, we don't say it ...at all. Nigel: No, we don't literally mean it, but we're not racists. David: No, we don't believe it either, but...that message should be clear anyway. Nigel: We're anything but racists. Derek: You know, we've grown musically... I mean, listen to some of the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid... Marty: Yeah. Derek: ...you know. Now, I mean a song like "Sex Farm", we're taking a sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know, and music... Marty: ...and put it on a farm? Derek: Yeah. Marty: If I were to ask you what your philosophy of life, or your creed... what would that be? Viv: "Have...a good...time...all the time." That's my philosophy, Marty! David: I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human, than someone who doesn't believe anything. Marty: Do you have a philosohpy, or creed that you live by? Mick: Well...like, personally, I like to think about sex and drugs and rock'n'roll, you know, that's my life... Marty: Yeah. David: yeah... Marty: If you were to have something written as your epitaph... David: "Here lies David St. Hubbins...and why not?" Marty: You feel that sums up your...your life? David: No, 's the first thing I could think of. Marty: Oh, I see... David: It doesn't sum up anything, really. Marty: Yeah. Nigel: I'm a real fish nut. I really like fish... Marty: What kind of fish? Nigel: Well, in the United States, you have cod...I like cod. And I love tuna...those little cans you've got here... tuna fish. Marty: Yeah. Nigel: ...no bones! Marty: Yeah. Marty: If you could not play rock'n roll, what would you do? David: Be a full time dreamer! Viv: I'd probably get a bit stupid and start to make a fool of myself in public, 'cause there wouldn't be a stage to go on. Derek: Probably work with children. Mick: As long as there is, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock'n'roll. Nigel: Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind or... or do uh... freelance... selling of some sort of... uh... product, you know... Marty: A salesman, you think you .... Nigel: A salesman, like, maybe in a haberdasher, or maybe like a...uh a chapeau shop, or something...you know, like: "Would you...what size do you wear, sir?" and then you answer me. Marty: Uh...seven and a quarter. Nigel: "I think we have that...", you see, something like that I could do. Marty: Yeah...you think you be happy doing something like Nigel: "No! We're all out, do you wear black?", see, that sort of thing, I think I could probably muster up. Marty: Yeah, do you think you'd be happy doing that? Nigel: Well, I don't know, wh-wh-what are the hours? The end Cast (in order of appearance) Marty DiBergi Rob Reiner Heavy Metal Fans Kimberly Stringer Chazz Dominguez Shari Hall Mick Shrimpton R.J. Parnell Viv Savage David Kaff Ian Faith Tony Hendra David St. Hubbins Michael McKean Nigel Tufnel Christopher Guest Derek Smalls Harry Shearer Tommy Pischedda Bruno Kirby Ethereal Fan Jean Cromie New York M.C. Patrick Maher John "Stumpy" Pepys Ed Begley Jr. Ronnie Pudding Danny Kortchmar Bobbi Fleckman Fran Drescher Sir Denis Eton-Hogg Patrick MacNee Bartender Memo Vera Mime Waitress Julie Payne Mime Waiter Dana Carvey Angelo DiMentibello Sandy Helberg Angelo's Associate Robin Mendken Rolling Stone Reporter Zane Buzby Morty The Mime Billy Crystal Limo Groupie Jennifer Child Rack Jobber J.J. Barry Southern Rock Promoter George McDaniel Tucker "Smitty" Brown Paul Benedict Reba Anne Churchill Terry Ladd Howard Hessman Duke Fame Paul Shortino Fame Groupies Cherie Darr Lara Cody Student Promoter Andrew J. Lederer Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs Russ Kunkel "Jamboree Bop" Dancers Diana Duncan Gina Marie Pitrello Jeanine Pettibone June Chadwick Cindy Vicki Blue Belinda Joyce Hyser Airport Security Officer Gloria Gifford Artie Fufkin Paul Shaffer Room Service Guy Archie Hahn Disc 'n Dat Manager Charles Levin Janitor Wonderful Smith Polly Deutsch Anjelica Huston Little Druids Chris Romano Daniel Rodgers Lt. Hookstratten Fred Willard Joe "Mama" Besser Fred Asparagus L.A. Party Guest Rodney Kemerer Moke Robert Bauer Feb 1996, sveini@himolde.no Amendments: Sept 16 1995 paj@steviep.demon.co.uk