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Since I spent months compiling this site, it came as no surprise when Spinal Tap began to invade my dreams. One night I imagined that I was taking an aptitude test in a small classroom. No one knew what the topic would be, and you could feel the tension in the room. The exam booklet finally landed heavily on my desk, and in bold letters across the top it read SPINAL TAP. I was saved! I turned to see who was passing out the exam, and it was none other than Marty DiBergi. Little did my classmates know that I was the world authority on Spinal Tap. Here's the test that DiBergi handed me. How well do you score?

1. During a recording session at the Rainbow Trout Recording Studio filmed for "This is Spinal Tap," David and Nigel get into a shouting match because David was having trouble playing his part. What song was the band recording at the time?
America
Break Like the Wind
Gimme Some Money
Shark Sandwich

2. During a scene at Season's Restaurant, David and Jeanine suggest Tap wear make-up that reflects their Zodiac signs. David is a Leo, Viv a Libra, Derek a Cancer, and Nigel a Capricorn. What sign is Mick?
Aquarius
Harlequin
The Moon Sign
Stop

3. How did Tap drummer Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs meet his end?
unfortunate grilling mishap
choked on mysterious vomit
gardening accident
spontaneously combusted

4. What is the name of Nigel's farm in Kent, England?
Canterbury
Boggshead
Fester Place
Brinsby

5. Which does Nigel consider to be the saddest of all musical keys?
A on a rainy day
D Major
D Minor
None -- they're all "happy"

6. What did Nigel write down as the height of the Stonehenge monument as the band discusses reviving the production during its 1982 tour?
18 inches
18 feet
100 feet
"musically forever"

7. At which record store did Artie Fufkin told the boys to "kick this ass, for a man"?
Nick's Record Emporium
Disk 'an Dat
Sound in the Round
Musicland

8. According to the song "Stonehenge," how long ago did the Druids live?
"Long before man came to be"
"Hundreds of years before the dawn of history"
"A long, long time ago in a land far away"
"Four score and some decades ago"

9. At which New York City club did director Marty DiBergi first see Tap perform in 1966?
The Electric Banana
The Music Membrane
None (it was a friend's basement)
The Electric Zoo

10. For what good deed did Queen Elizabeth knight Denis Eton-Hogg, the one-time president of Polymer?
Serving his country in the Falklands War by not going
Scheduling Tap to tour outside of the UK
Founding Hoggwood, a summer camp for pale young boys
"Perverse rotundness"

11. During a 1982 visit to Memphis, Tap runs into a rocker named Duke Fame. How do they know him?
He is a former Tap drummer
David, Nigel and Duke grew up together
He and Ian had been lovers, briefly
He once opened for Tap

12. Tap originally had scheduled an opening act for its 1992 Royal Albert Hall performance, but the group did not appear for security reasons. What was its name?
Metallica
The Folksmen
Lame
Meconium

13. Which of the following does Nigel own?
An inventing shed
A castle
A ferret
All of the above

14. During the 1982 tour, Lt. Bob Hookstratten recommends a band to Tap called Four Jacks and a Jill that often played at a Ramada Inn. In what city did he say the hotel was located?
Kansas City
Omaha
San Diego
Kalamazoo

15. What song was on the flip side of the Thamesmen hit "Gimme Some Money"?
We Are All Flower People
Silent But Deadly
Cups and Cakes
Saliva of the Fittest

16. Which of the following does Nigel credit with inspiring him to write his best work?
Indian food
A full moon
Jeanine offering him a kind word
Sex on a waterbed

17. Which was the first Tap album to go bronze (1 million returned)?
Break Like the Wind
Intravenus de Milo
We Are All Flower People
Shark Sandwich

18. Which of the following devices did Nigel not invent?
The silent snare drum
The tone cosy
The folding wine glass
The neckless guitar

19. What was the name of the giant skull that Tap used as a prop during its last tour?
Jim
Skull
Curly
Bones

20. While Nigel was a member of the Lovely Lads, what band was David in?
It didn't have a name
New Originals
He also was in the Lovely Lads
The Creatures

21. What was the gimmick behind the cassette-tape series that David was listening to during the 1982 tour?
The works of famous authors read by actors with the same last name
The narrator read in his head
A woman dressed as a man read the male parts
It was read in Pig Latin

22. Which of the following is not a name that the members of Tap have used to refer to their penises?
armadillo
the tiny hay maker
pink torpedo
one-eyed Willie

23. What is the maiden name of David's girlfriend and later wife, Jeanine?
Sawyer
Tufnel
Pansy-Wright
Pettibone

24. What song is Tap performing in "This is Spinal Tap" when Derek gets stuck in the pod?
The Majesty of Rock
Big Bottom
Rock 'N Roll Creation
Heavy Duty

25. What did Derek's father do for a living?
He was a Crackerjack box model
He ran a telephone sanitizing business
He died before Derek was conceived
He sold mint sandwiches

26. Who was scheduled to co-host Tap's 1992 NBC television special but didn't show?
Princess Diana
Sonny Bono
Willard Scott
Mel Torme

27. What is Nigel's "trademark"?
His guitar solos
The tattoo of Cher on his left buttock
His ability to entice groupies to cook for him
The song, "You Look Nice, But For the Lice"

28. What was the incorrect band name on Tony the limo driver's sign when the band arrives in New York for its 1982 tour?
Spinal Tarp
Spinal Procedure
Spinal Pap
The Thamesmen

29. In what venue did Tap get lost before its performance in a scene from "This is Spinal Tap"?
Enormodome
Xanadu Star Theater
The Cashmere Palace
Great American Pavilion

30. What was the name of Bobbi Flekman's photographer at the New York City launch party for the 1982 tour?
Joanne
Karen
Christine
Bari

31. What magazine is Nigel reading in "This is Spinal Tap" as the band waits in the airport to leave Austin, Texas?
Guitar World
Car and Driver
Playboy
Martha Stewart's Living

32. Viv Savage was killed in a natural gas explosion while visiting the grave of Mick Shrimpton. What fact did Tap not know about Viv before his death?
He was an American Indian
He had been abducted by a UFO as a youngster
He had once been a drummer
He was heir to the Sanka coffee fortune

33. What brand of jeans was Artie wearing when he told the boys to "kick this ass, for a man" during the 1982 tour?
Lee
Wrangler
Jordache
Levi's

34. We know that David and Nigel were born in the Squatney District of London. Where was Derek born?
London
Nilford
Burrington
Leeds

35. When David and Nigel have a spat in the recording studio over David's "fucking wife," Derek says, "Oh, great. This is all we fucking need" and takes a swig from a bottle of ________.
Drambuie
Jack Daniel's
Diet Pepsi
Cuervo Gold

36. Tap borrowed a riff from this composer for "Heavy Duty."
Tremadore
Bach
Boccherini
C. Wagner

37. Derek mouths this during a performance of "(Listen to the) Flower People" on the television program Jamboreebop in 1967.
Listen
We love you
No mas, no mas
Buy our album

Score =
Correct answers:


Scoring

If your score was:

81-100: You are a true Taphead! Quit your job, cut all ties to your family, and hit the road in search of the band. Bring soap.

54-80: Your score was mediocre, indicating you are cosmically closer to Tap than you realize.

27-53: You seem wishy-washy about your devotion to Tap. Shave your head, burn some incense, chant "Hello, hello, hello, please find me, hello, hello, hello" and continue studying the A to Zed guide.

Less than 27: You are a total wanker, although you probably get invited to a lot of parties and have what resembles a life.

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